Cradle Robber
by Dotti3
Summary: In which the well-intentioned Naruto literally robs a cradle and Sakura discovers he would make a great father in one of the most unconventional of ways.


**Craddle Robber**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the series of Naruto; it owns us all.

**Warnings:** A little sappy and crack filled. And though I certainly didn't mean to, there's a bit of Sasuke bashing. I couldn't help myself, it just snuck in there like a ninja. There's also a bit of language, but it's nothing worse than what you hear at public school. Please enjoy!

* * *

By the young age of 19, Uzumaki Naruto had checked off many of the boxes on his to-do list of life.

Taste each and every ramen flavor in existence; check. Unfortunately, the amazing feat had landed his ramen loving ass in the hospital due to food poisoning. Shortly after his release, he made the wise decision to stick to Ichiraku's for the extent of his life.

Make lots of friends; check. There was not a person the eccentric blonde couldn't win over with his charm. Even the most homicidal (Gaara), snobbish (Neji) and bastard-like (Sasuke) bad asses were not immune to his awesomeness.

Bring his major asshole of a friend back; check. There had been lots of kicking and screaming, but Naruto had managed to pry the teme from the clutches of evil and literally drag his traitorous ass back home. As you can only imagine, Naruto took the longest and bumpiest path; he wasn't the only one on Team 7 that could hold a grudge.

Become Hokage; check. Well…almost. As of now, he could only be considered 'hokage-in-training' which was really just a fancy title for the current hokage's little bitch. Soon enough though, he would reap what he so painstakingly sowed; then he would get all the bitches.

And last on his list, marry Sakura-chan;…he was working on that one still…In fact, he was working on that mission right now. An Ino arranged bouquet in hand and his best smile in place, he marched his way to the abode of his one true love other than ramen. Though he hoped for her returned affections, he was braced for rejection as well. He was also prepared to accept any scolding or abuse that followed. However, he was certainly not prepared for this.

"Sakura-chan?" he questioned in a dumbfounded state of mind.

The pink haired, green eyed infant could only coo and garble in distress as her small form sat amongst clothes that were too big for her now. However unlikely the situation was, Naruto was sure that the drooling, tiny mass before him was his beloved teammate. Shortly after this realization, the future hokage fainted like a dainty dude in distress.

* * *

Meanwhile, a very important talk was taking place between the most important woman in Konoha and her dear apprentice.

"As I said earlier, I'm not getting any younger and neither are you," Tsunade gave her apprentice a pointed look over, "So you need to hurry the hell up and pop that cherry of yours."

"Hokage-sama," Sakura barely managed to sound human as her patience began to run out; not that she had much to begin with.

"At this rate, not even that supposedly immortal snake bastard is going to be around long enough to see you get knocked up and pop out a little freak," the obviously drunk blonde continued to ramble, ignoring her student's growing ire.

"Lady Tsu-"

The bustier, older woman cut off her younger, flatter counterpart, "Honestly, I don't care who you decide to torture for the rest of your life; just pick somebody damn it! If you can't choose between the blonde brat and the brooding bastard, flip a coin or something. Hell, don't choose at all and have them both for all I care."

"Shishou," appalled on so many levels, Sakura could only faintly mutter, "I don't even think that's legal!"

"I'm the flipping queen bee of this damn hive," self-proclaimed queen bee gestured erratically, "What I say goes! Reverse harem law has been motioned into effect as of now. Now go on young grasshopper and get hopping. Spread your legs and fly."

"Sensei," the pinkette leveled her teacher with a steady stare, "You're drunk and this is stupid. I'm leaving right now."

"But Sakura-chan~" the drunker than usual Tsunade began to get misty eyed, "I only want what's best for you. I don't want you to end up all alone like me. You need to find that someone who's always there for you. Find that someone who completes you; someone who would change the world for you. You need to find the one who will still love you even when you're old, gray and diaper-bound. Sakura-chan, be with the one you love."

After such a heartwarming, admittedly slurred speech, even Sakura was feeling the beginning of her own waterworks. That is until her mentor promptly passed out and began to drool heavily on her desk. Sakura's irritation from earlier came back, as loud, obnoxious snores cut through the silence; so much for endearing moments.

As if sensing it would only piss off Sakura more, Tsunade began to sleep mumble, "And you need to have lots of babies; little pink haired babies with big foreheads that are hyper, all sorts of annoying and love ramen."

Before she could assassinate her current hokage, Sakura stomped her way out and slammed the door for good measure. She couldn't wait to get back to her adorable baby cousin. She could only hope that Sasuke hadn't let some idiot kidnap the little bundle of cuteness.

* * *

"Achho!" the Uchiha sneezed as his chidori flickered out of life.

"Bless you," Kakashi replied as his own chidori followed suit, "It would seem as if someone's talking about you."

Scoffing as he remembered the old wives' tale, he brushed off the theory. If that statement were true, he'd undoubtedly never stop sneezing; he was practically a house hold name. All the same, he couldn't help but to feel as if he had forgotten about something. Figuring it wasn't too important if he hadn't bothered remembering it in the first place; Sasuke resumed his spar with his sensei.

* * *

Sakura gave a fond smile as she arrived at her door. She couldn't wait to see her little mini-me again. Her aunt would be back soon, so her time left with her beloved ten months old cousin was limited. After years of waiting for her only aunt to pop out a kid, Sakura had been delighted at the little one's arrival; especially after observing the uncanny similarity between them. As you probably already know, Sakura was head over heels at first sight.

"I'm back! Sorry about that Sasuke-kun," Sakura called out as she slipped off her shoes, "Tsunade-sama was three sheets to the wind and really chatty. Thanks for watch-"

It was then that Sakura realized that she had been talking to no one. There was no one home. More importantly, her beloved little cousin was missing.

Shortly after that realization, Sakura went into mama-bear mode; Sasuke was dead meat and the idiot who had stolen her cub was going to die an extremely painful death.

* * *

"Achoo," Naruto shuddered out much to the amusement of the babe cradled in his arms, "Oh so you like that huh?"

Naruto proceeded to twist and stretch his face in silly ways as the Sakura-look-alike baby bubbled with laughter. Though the man was a stranger to her, the child couldn't help but like the funny man with kind eyes; he sure beat that scary guy with scary eyes in her mind. Swaddled in the warmth of his infamous orange jacket and with a belly full of Ichiraku ramen, the toddler wanted for nothing more.

That is until her inquisitive green orbs spotted a pink plush puppy. Eyes welling up with tears and desperate for the stuffed animal, she hopelessly pointed at the object of her desire. Much to her surprise, her object of desire was handed into her fleshy hold by that nice man with the bright yellow hair. Thus began a period of pointing, shopping sprees and the emptying of a once fat froggie wallet.

* * *

Sasuke charged at his sensei with a smirk announcing his imminent victory. Kakashi would have to concede their little battle to him after he finished this last move. He could almost taste his victory.

Unfortunately, the only thing the Uchiha tasted was dirt as he skidded face first into the ground after being blindsided by his sole female teammate, "The hell Sak-"

"My cub; where is she?" Sakura stalked forward threateningly.

"Cub?" Sasuke could only draw blanks.

Grabbing him by his reestablished funnel collar, she gave him a good shake to emphasize her next words, "My baby cousin that I entrusted to you half an hour ago, you jackass!"

"Oh," the raven haired male uttered in revelation, "So that's what I was forgetting."

"You basta-"

"Sakura-chan," Kakashi attempted to sooth as he held her off from killing his other student, "You can get your revenge later. We have a baby to find."

* * *

"Don't worry Sakura-chan," Naruto assured the assumed Sakura-chan who was too busy playing with her various new toys, "I don't know how it happened, but the old hag will get you back to normal in no time."

As luck would have it, upon his arrival the previously mentioned old hag was way past wasted and knocked out. Naruto almost felt a dash of sympathy as he thought of the hangover she would have to endure. Any ounce of compassion fled with the reminder that he would be the one stuck with all the paper work while she played hooky.

That still left Naruto alone to care for a baby he thought to be his dear Sakura. The pink haired squirt was growing fussy and restless. Then there was also that horrible smell permeating from the little slobber machine; he feared to look.

Now Uzumaki Naruto had about the same knowledge of diapers as any other male his age; meaning practically nothing. But when those familiar green gems cried out to him in misery, he knew he had to do something. How could he just let his future wife suffer in a soiled diaper?

So bracing himself and shoving away any awkwardness into the back corners of his mind, he placed the child onto the hokage's desk and moved to rid the world of that god awful mess. That is until he was brutally shoved away.

"My cub~" Sakura crooned in a gleeful voice. Naruto could only blink in utter confusion as he saw his perfectly normal teammate next to her miniature replica. Was there now two Sakura's? The village knucklehead shot questioning looks to the two shinobi who had accompanied the pink whirl of fury.

"Baka!" the temper tantrum temptress turned to him, "What in the hell were you doing with my baby cousin?"

"Cousin?" Naruto looked between the two, noting the similarities and differences, "Oh, well that makes more sense. I thought you got magically turned into a baby. No wonder she seemed different. I got suspicious when she actually seemed to like me."

Ignoring his last forlorn line, Sakura continued to vent, "What kind of moron jumps to that conclusion? And what in the hell were you trying to do when I walked in? Were you trying to moles-"

"What?" Naruto seemed outraged at even the suggestion, "I was gonna change her dirty diaper!"

Sakura's nose chose that moment to persistently announce the presence of a foul odor in the premises. No amount of garbage and farts combined could create a smell so gross. To think that Naruto, who was clueless when it came to anything but ramen, was prepared to handle that level of gross just for her had her heart swelling just a little.

As the other males of team seven cringed away, Naruto stepped forward, "I didn't want you to have to sit in your own shit, Sakura-chan."

Even though she wasn't actually a baby and his level of undying love bordered on disgusting, it was probably the most romantic line she had ever heard. It was still downright nauseating, but it was still so sweet. Tsunade's earlier comment about finding the one who loved you even when you were old, gray and diaper bound came to mind.

"Uzumaki Naruto," she stated firmly as the man in question cringed, "You kidnapped my only cousin. You spoiled her rotten and gave her way too much to eat; she's probably sick now. And you drove me sick with worry."

"I'm sorry Sakura-chan," Naruto squeaked in apology as she advanced.

"But you took care of her just like you've always taken care of me," and with that she closed the distance and kissed him absolutely silly which he reciprocated with just as much silliness.

The copy-cat nin began to slink away with a muttered, "About damn time."

The scowling Uchiha began to follow. Unfortunately, fate had other plans for him, "Not so fast you bastard."

And without further warning, Sakura threw his ass out the window exacting her revenge. Let it be made aware that Sakura was one fierce mama bear.

Business mostly adjourned, she turned back to the still mildly dazed man who had loved her since he was a goofy boy and she was a spastic girl. A smile bloomed on her face as she observed her baby cousin wrapped safely in his trademark jacket and surrounded by every toy conceivable. Even with the prior events and revelations, Naruto was still unconsciously caring for her kin. With that observation, Sakura arrived at the conclusion that he would make one hell of a good father.

"Now that that's over," she beamed at him, "I'm going to show you how to change diapers."

Naruto seemed a little crestfallen, "But Sakura-chan!"

"No buts," she gave him a slight punch which was much gentler than usual, "You're going to learn this or you can join the Uchiha on his way to Suna."

"Yes ma'am," Naruto gulped and accepted his fate.

So the two shinobi changed a diaper to together; their first of many to come. And as they walked out of the hokage tower leaving the still slumbering woman, Sakura caught a glimpse of her future as she observed Konoha's golden boy seem so natural as he toted around the pink haired youth. She supposed he would be just as natural with little hyper, pink haired, big fore-headed, ramen-loving mosters of their own. But for now, that could wait just a bit longer; she still had some plans to execute.

* * *

The next morning, the 5th Hokage woke to an unbelievable amount of pain as her previous unwise actions caught up to her. Lifting her head from the pool of drool on her desk, she blearily observed her trashed office, "Charming."

Every part of her body throbbed in aching pain and she still had boatloads of paperwork to do. Where was that brat when she needed him? Oddly enough, she felt something spark at the thought of the annoying blonde. There was something about a baby and a terrible smell. If she remembered correctly, someone got thrown clear to Suna. And Sakura finally realized she was totally smitten for Naruto. At that, Tsunade snorted at the impossibility and swore to stay away from saki…for a while.

Unbeknownst to the all-knowing Senju Tsunade, the impossible was possible after all. In Naruto's overused words; believe it!

* * *

**Author's Note:** Okay, I'll admit it; I'm sappy and corny. I've had this idea for quite a long time, but I could never seem to write it according to my vision. Even now, it falls spectacularly short, but I felt this was the best I could do. I really wanted to avoid falling into a funk again, so I'm writing and publishing even if I think it's crap. I might come back and edit it in the future. I'm sorry if you hated it!

But if you loved it? Well now, that's an entirely different story! I worked my butt off on this one, but I'm still not too sure about how it turned out. So if you would please give me some input, that would be much appreciated. Please Alert, Fav, or Review; just show me some lovin'. You don't need an account, it doesn't have to be long, and it doesn't need to be exactly positive. Please just tell me what you thought about it and I'll be happier than Ash with all the pokemon in the world! **Thank you for your time! ;D**

**~Love, your dearest Dotti3**


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